How to Be a Good Student. Ask things like, “Poop is universal. Can it be discussed as a topic of philosophical discourse?”

Really, it all boils down to staying awake in class. Here are some tips on how to do this:

1. Bring a packet of hot sauce to class–especially to boring classes. Whenever boring lecture starts or when you start to dose off, put a bit of hot sauce on the tip of finger and discretely apply to tongue. Be careful not to be looking at guys in your class (if you are a girl) in case they think you are sending them a seductive signal.

2. Ask ridiculous questions. Like if your professor is talking about, say…”transcending the story, nay, the film, nay, the genre of the film through the deep focus and consistency in which the film director applies concepts that ask us as humans about the very fiber of our being, nay, the validity of our existence through ideas such as simulacra….” ask them something stupid yet seemingly-profound like,

“What’s the opposite of simulacra?” “Why did Plato choose a cave for his Allegory of the Cave? Why not a tree? Allegory of the Tree. Trees relate more to life. Caves are hollow.”
“More importantly, is there an opposite of simulacra? If not, how can simulacra exist if a not-simulacra doesn’t exist?” <–note the framework conclusion where we start with mentioning simulacra and end with simulacra. This framework structure makes it look as if everything that was said is related in a unifying theme.

3. Actually, come up with a theme question for that class. Ask this question everyday in class. That gives you something to look forward to doing. The question, "What is the meaning of life?" is cliche. Find another question. Like maybe, "Everybody poops. Can poop ever been discussed as a topic of philosophical discourse? Why not? Poop is universal. Like love. I think the pain and feelings about poop must have actually been older than love because the first human must have had to poop first before they walked a couple miles to find another human being to mate with."

4. Take walks. Get up and leave class. Walk through the hallway. Go up the stairs if you are very sleepy. Exercise is good for college kids. Get the blood flowing through the body. Go outside and try to climb the building. If the window ledges are wide enough and close enough to each other, attempt to jump from one window to another. That should get your calves looking like the Hulk's. It should also make you feel like Spiderman. If not, you're not doing it right.

This guide is an on-going project. Any suggestions are welcome. Even if I didn't tag you, don't feel like a creeper. I totally welcome your comment.

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